WELCOME TO THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE FARM ON EARTH
Big feelings.
Zero profits.
One farmer wants to make a killing.
His butcher just wants to talk about it.
A LITTLE BARN.THE NEW THEME SONG
THE POLSKI PIG FARM2:53
THE ARRANGEMENT
Farmer Polski lets Butcher Brain stay in the little barn. In return, Butcher Brain is supposed to butcher the animals. Simple. Profitable. What could possibly go wrong?
Unfortunately, Butcher Brain smokes enough weed to forget what he’s doing. And when he remembers, he gets emotional. Most days, just as he’s about to do it, he forgets the job—or falls in love with the animal. There is one exception: cats. He fucking hates cats.
Usually, the pigs get another day.
Farmer Polski always gets another migraine.
LATEST FIRST · ALL 22 EPISODES
Brain is keeping things professional with the replacement pig. The pig has other plans.
Read Episode 14 →
A letter arrives. Nobody can pronounce the name. Polski makes six attempts, and the mystery survives them all.
Read Episode 13 →
Brain arrives without the goat, cooks a meatless lunch, and comes home with an order the farm can’t fill.
Read Episode 12 →
Mrs. Polski opens the gates. Brain becomes the attraction. The donation jar fills up, and Polski hates every reason why.
Read Episode 11 →
One pig. One cake. One deposit.
Read Episode 10 →
The deck finally collapses under the donkey. An insurance adjuster asks how many animals live here. Mrs. Polski is still unloading the truck.
Read Episode 9 →
Polski pivots to eggs: no killing, guaranteed revenue, nothing for Brain to object to. The chickens have appointed a representative.
Read Episode 8 →
The hairless cat has claimed the cash box. Brain can’t get within ten feet of the money. Polski finally spots some professional potential.
Read Episode 7 →
Polski confiscates the weed so the job finally gets done. Unfortunately, sober Brain remembers every name, feels everything, and has follow-up questions.
Read Episode 6 →
Brain hears something behind the barn and declares a bear emergency. His survival advice is oddly specific. Polski would like a second opinion.
Read Episode 5 →
Mrs. Polski wants a hairless cat. Brain discovers the one animal he can’t love. His missed swing starts a grudge that puts Dennis in the middle.
Read Episode 4 →
A broken deck creates one serious financial problem. The goat is supposed to solve it. The goat, naturally, becomes family instead.
Read Episode 3 →
Butcher Brain is given one job and finds several emotional reasons not to do it. Dennis survives again, and the farm accidentally becomes more of a sanctuary.
Read Episode 2 →
Mrs. Polski brings home goats and two tiny loud dogs. Farmer Polski protests. She points out that animals belong on a farm. He loses immediately.
Read Episode 1 →ONE FARM. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN CHARGE.
“That’s not your friend.
That’s my revenue.”
Owns the farm. Owns the barn. Loves money with an intensity usually reserved for firstborn children. Every rescued pig is a personal financial attack. His wife wants more animals. He objects. She reminds him it’s a farm. He buys the animals.
“Wait. Do you think
he knows it’s Tuesday?”
It’s a nickname. Nobody knows his real name. Lives in the barn, smokes too much weed, and has absolutely the wrong temperament for his chosen profession.
“You wanted a farm.
It’s a fucking farm.”
Smoking hot. Completely persuasive. Sees an animal, wants the animal, gets the animal. Farmer Polski bought the farm; she’s making sure it comes with every possible animal.
“YAP. YAP. YAP.
YAP. YAP. YAP.”
One Chihuahua. One terrier. Two fucking annoying small dogs. They bark at the pigs, terrorize the goats, and have never let Farmer Polski finish a sentence. Mrs. Polski calls them angels.
“TWELVE YEARS
ON THE BOATS.”
Mrs. Polski’s brother. Twelve years on the boats. Arrives without an invitation, terrifies the dogs into silence, and becomes Brain’s first actual friend before Polski can throw him out.
“I can get you
more for it.”
Charming realtor. Says exactly what Polski needs to hear to keep the listing. Always promises he can sell it for a little more. Somehow never sells a thing.