TALES FROM THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE FARM ON EARTH
The comics.
Theme song It’s a Fuckin’ Farm, Farmer Polski
Episode 1
#01It’s a Farm!
The argument Farmer Polski will never win.
1
FARMER POLSKI“Finally. A day without unexpected expenses.”
2
MRS. POLSKI“Babe! I got us two goats.”
THE DOGS“YAP! YAP! YAP!”
3
FARMER POLSKI“We don’t need more animals!”
MRS. POLSKI“You bought a FARM, Farmer Polski.”
4
MRS. POLSKI“More animals makes sense. IT’S A FARM.”
FARMER POLSKI“…Fine. How much?”
5
BUTCHER BRAIN“Wait. If the goats get to stay… why not Dennis?”
6
MRS. POLSKI“See? Now it feels like a farm.”
FARMER POLSKI“It feels like a fucking expense.”
END OF EPISODE. EVERYBODY’S STILL ALIVE.
#02Room for One More
One job. One donkey. Not one sale.
1
FARMER POLSKI“One pig. Today. Before she buys anything else.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“Absolutely. Just let me get into the right headspace.”
3
THE DOGS“YAP! YAP! YAP!”
BUTCHER BRAIN“He’s having a really difficult morning.”
4
MRS. POLSKI“Good news! The goats needed a friend.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“A DONKEY?!”
MRS. POLSKI“You wanted the farm, babe. IT’S A FARM.”
6
BUTCHER BRAIN“Everyone gets a seat. Nobody gets eaten.”
FARMER POLSKI, FROM THE DOORWAY“I’m the one who needs support.”
END OF EPISODE. EVERYBODY’S STILL ALIVE.
#03The Goat or the Deck
One barn full of smoke. One wallet full of nothing.
1
BUTCHER BRAIN“I’m just taking the edge off.”
BUTCHER BRAIN, TEN JOINTS LATER“Which edge was it?”
2
FARMER POLSKI“The deck’s fucked. I’m broke. Something around here needs to make money.”
3
FARMER POLSKI“The East Indian restaurant ordered goat. Slaughter this one, Butcher Brain. That’s my deck money.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Right. Business goat. No emotional attachment.”
4
FARMER POLSKI“I hate dealing with other cultures.”
MRS. POLSKI“Farmer Polski. Their culture isn’t the problem. Your rotten deck is.”
5
BUTCHER BRAIN“I can’t. He trusts me. And I’ve already named him.”
MRS. POLSKI“Then he stays. I’ll deal with Farmer Polski.”
6
MRS. POLSKI“Come here, babe. Rest your head. The deck can wait. The goat stays.”
FARMER POLSKI, MUFFLED“…Fine. The goat stays.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Good. Because his name is Deck.”
GOAT: ALIVE. DECK: STILL FUCKED.
#04No Fur. All Feelings.
A hairless cat. One fatal grudge. An unexpected career lesson.
1
MRS. POLSKI“I want a hairless cat.”
FARMER POLSKI“We already own animals AND a razor.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“I love every animal on earth. Except cats. Fuck cats.”
MRS. POLSKI“He’s like a tiny pig with opinions.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“Finally. An animal I can be professional about.”
4
MRS. POLSKI“Polski. Stop him. NOW. Or you’re sleeping in the barn.”
FARMER POLSKI“BRAIN! PUT IT DOWN!”
5
BUTCHER BRAIN“I MISSED!”
FARMER POLSKI“Good. That’s the first mistake you’ve made that’s saved me money.”
6
MRS. POLSKI“You tried to butcher my cat?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Leave Dennis out of this. He doesn’t even know what a cat is.”
7
LATER. DENNIS HAS BEEN BUTCHERED.Mrs. Polski ties the last knot.
MRS. POLSKI“Now we both know how personal this is.”
8
BUTCHER BRAIN“Dennis was my emotional-support pig!”
MRS. POLSKI, OFF-PANEL“Then you should’ve supported my fucking cat.”
9
BUTCHER BRAIN“Teach me to be a butcher.”
FARMER POLSKI“You already know how.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“I mean emotionally. She just filleted my soul.”
CAT: UNHARMED. DENNIS: DEPARTED. BRAIN: EMOTIONALLY MINCED.
#05Bearly Conscious
One rustling bush. Six slides. A very specific survival plan.
1
BEHIND THE BARN. APPROXIMATELY THREE JOINTS PAST REASON.Rustle. Rustle.
BUTCHER BRAIN“That’s not a normal bush noise.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“There’s a fucking BEAR out there!”
FARMER POLSKI“We don’t own a bear. Yet.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“I’m serious. It’ll eat you from the asshole in.”
FARMER POLSKI“Why the fuck do you know its eating order?”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“BACKS TO THE WALL! PROTECT YOUR EXITS!”
FARMER POLSKI“Why is the bear purring?”
5
MRS. POLSKI“Brain. That’s my fucking cat.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Then why does it look like a bear with its trousers off?”
6
FARMER POLSKI“You were just so fucking high.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“In my defence… that’s a bear with the graphics turned down.”
Slide 1 of 6
BEARS: ZERO. CAT: UNBOTHERED. BRAIN: IN ORBIT.
#06Sober Brain
Polski finally finds the problem. Then he gives it back.
1
FARMER POLSKI“I’m confiscating the weed. Today, you butcher a pig.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Fair. Clear head. Get it done.”
2
TWO HOURS LATER. COMPLETELY SOBER.
BUTCHER BRAIN“That’s Mabel. That’s Gordon. Gordon only eats when Mabel can see him.”
FARMER POLSKI“They came with numbers.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“What was your childhood like, Gordon? Did your mum make you feel safe?”
FARMER POLSKI“His childhood was six feet over there.”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“I’m fully present, Polski. I feel everything. Did your dad ever say he was proud of you?”
FARMER POLSKI“We’re not doing my fucking childhood.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“Here. All of it. Just stop being so fucking present.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Avoidance. Interesting.”
6
BUTCHER BRAIN“What were we doing?”
FARMER POLSKI“You were doing great.”
Slide 1 of 6
PIGS: SAFE. BRAIN: HIGH. POLSKI: SEEN.
#07The Cat Takes Over
One cash box. One grudge. One promotion.
1
FARMER POLSKI“Get the cash box, Brain.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“The fucking cat’s on it.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“I can’t get any closer.”
MRS. POLSKI“You tried to butcher him. He remembers.”
3
FARMER POLSKI“That’s the first time the money’s been safe around here.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“He’s not guarding it. He’s judging me.”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“Leave her alone, you naked little psychopath!”
5
FARMER POLSKI“No hesitation. No crying. Hasn’t even asked her name.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“It’s a cat, Polski.”
6
FARMER POLSKI“You’re promoted. Head of livestock.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“That thing is a fucking monster.”
FARMER POLSKI“Finally. An employee.”
Slide 1 of 6
CAT: PROMOTED. BRAIN: OUTRANKED.
#08Eggs-istential
No killing. Guaranteed revenue. One unforeseen representative.
1
FARMER POLSKI“Eggs. No killing. Guaranteed revenue. Nothing for you to object to.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Let me talk to the girls.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“They’ve asked me to represent them.”
FARMER POLSKI“They clucked.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Unanimously.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“The eggs are their property.”
FARMER POLSKI“I own the chickens!”
BUTCHER BRAIN“That’s exactly the sort of language they’re concerned about.”
4
FARMER POLSKI“I buy their food! I built the fucking coop!”
BUTCHER BRAIN“And they’re grateful. As tenants.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“Fine. What’s their price?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“They’re not selling. They’d like to sit on it.”
6
FARMER POLSKI“I’ve opened an egg business with no fucking eggs.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“The girls wish you every success.”
Slide 1 of 6
NEW BUSINESS. ZERO PRODUCT. SAME FUCKING RESULT.
#09The Deck Gives Out
One broken deck. One simple question. One truck that isn’t empty yet.
1
FARMER POLSKI“The fucking deck!”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Don’t shout. He already blames himself.”
2
INSURANCE ADJUSTER“How many animals are on the property?”
FARMER POLSKI“Twelve. Exactly twelve.”
3
MRS. POLSKI“The goats were two-for-one!”
FARMER POLSKI“Fourteen.”
INSURANCE ADJUSTER“You said twelve.”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“Eighteen. The ducks wanted to stay together.”
INSURANCE ADJUSTER“Is that the final count?”
FARMER POLSKI“It was when you started asking.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“Nineteen.”
INSURANCE ADJUSTER“Is your wife still unloading that truck?”
MRS. POLSKI“Nearly done!”
6
BUTCHER BRAIN“Twenty.”
INSURANCE ADJUSTER“I’ll leave it in pencil.”
FARMER POLSKI“Can you insure me against my wife?”
Slide 1 of 6
DECK: GONE. CLAIM: OPEN. TRUCK: STILL UNLOADING.
#10Rest in Profit.
One pig. One cake. One deposit.
1
BUTCHER BRAIN"Happy birthday, buddy. Apples. Your favourite."
2
FARMER POLSKI"You baked a cake for a dead pig."
BUTCHER BRAIN"He would have wanted it."
3
BUTCHER BRAIN"He knew when it was Tuesday. I'm telling you. He KNEW."
4
FARMER POLSKI starts laughing.
BUTCHER BRAIN"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
FARMER POLSKI"Nothing. That's the thing. For one day, nothing."
5
MRS. POLSKI"The neighbours took the rest of him. Paid up front."
FARMER POLSKI"Best day this farm has ever had."
6
BUTCHER BRAIN"Don't let them talk about you like that, Dennis. You were never revenue."
MRS. POLSKI"You wanted a farm. That's what a farm does."
Slide 1 of 6
DENNIS: GONE. FINALLY PROFITABLE.
#11Open Farm Day
Open gates. Full jar. One furious farmer.
1
MRS. POLSKI“Open Farm Day!”
FARMER POLSKI“We’re not open. We’re barely a farm.”
2
TOURIST“Is this a rescue sanctuary?”
FARMER POLSKI“It’s a failing—”
MRS. POLSKI“Yes.”
3
TOURIST“You never slaughter the animals?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“I keep finding reasons not to.”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“This is Deck. He was supposed to pay for the deck.”
TOURIST“You chose him over money?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“He has eyebrows.”
5
TOURIST“Can we donate? For the animals?”
MRS. POLSKI“Of course. We have overhead. Mostly feelings.”
6
TOURIST“Could we get a photo with the man who saved them?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“People usually tell me to stop talking.”
7
FARMER POLSKI“This is more than the animals were worth!”
MRS. POLSKI“Alive, babe. That’s the trick.”
8
FARMER POLSKI“They’re paying him NOT to do his job.”
MRS. POLSKI“And look how hard he’s working.”
9
MRS. POLSKI“We’re doing this every weekend.”
FARMER POLSKI“I want every cent. I hate every second.”
Slide 1 of 9
BRAIN: ADORED. JAR: FULL. POLSKI: FURIOUS.
#12The Restaurant Calls Back
One old order. One new problem.
1
FARMER POLSKI“The restaurant still wants that goat.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“He’s still not emotionally available.”
2
RESTAURANT OWNER“Where’s the goat?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“At home. Working through trust issues.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“Can I show you another way?”
RESTAURANT OWNER“The chickpeas are over there.”
4
RESTAURANT OWNER“That’s excellent. Can your farm do sixty portions every Friday?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Absolutely. We’re a farm.”
5
BUTCHER BRAIN“Sixty portions a week. We’ve got a regular customer!”
FARMER POLSKI“For the goat?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“For the chickpeas.”
6
FARMER POLSKI“We don’t grow vegetables. We don’t have a catering kitchen. We have a goat called DECK.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Then what part of this is a farm?”
Slide 1 of 6
GOAT: SAFE. ORDER: RECURRING. VEGETABLES: IMAGINARY.
#13Brain’s Real Name
A letter. Two syllables. Too much effort.
1
FARMER POLSKI“Brain. Who the fuck is this addressed to?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Me. That’s my real name.”
2
FARMER POLSKI“Your name isn’t Brain?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“It’s pronounced Bray-een.”
3
FARMER POLSKI“Bray… een?”
MRS. POLSKI“You look like you’re in pain.”
4
FARMER POLSKI“What kind of name is that?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“It’s Spanish.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“Since when are you Spanish?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“I said the name was Spanish.”
6
FARMER POLSKI“Fuck it. Brain.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“Same decision my last boss made.”
Slide 1 of 6
TWO SYLLABLES. STILL BRAIN.
#14Not Dennis
A fresh start. Same butcher.
1
FARMER POLSKI“Replacement pig. Try to remember what the fucking job is.”
BUTCHER BRAIN“The pig is livestock. I'm keeping this professional.”
2
BUTCHER BRAIN“The pig gets food. Water. Basic care.”
FARMER POLSKI“Good.”
3
BUTCHER BRAIN“The pig is resting near me. That's not a relationship.”
FARMER POLSKI“Didn't say it was.”
4
BUTCHER BRAIN“The pig was cold. This is temperature management.”
FARMER POLSKI“You're tucking it in.”
5
FARMER POLSKI“You named it, didn't you?”
BUTCHER BRAIN“No.”
FARMER POLSKI“Brain.”
6
BUTCHER BRAIN“That's Gordon. His blanket's called Mr. Snug.”
FARMER POLSKI“Of course the fucking blanket has a name.”
Slide 1 of 6
PIG: GORDON. BLANKET: MR. SNUG. BOUNDARIES: GONE.
